Not Worthy but Forever Greatful

This is written on the outside of my quiet time journal/prayer journal. I read this statement every time I go to open it and it still to this day takes my breath away. If it wasn't for Christ I would never have chosen Him I would still be lost in the flow of this world and be damned to hell. I think I take my salvation for granite sometimes...actually most of the time. I complain because school is hard or work is hard but my complaints and frustrations are microscopic in comparison to what Christ went through and what He goes through everyday. When I sin in hurts me so badly but I know it hurts my God even more. Today in my quiet time I was reading in Jeremiah 2 and verse 7 smacked me in the face ...hard . - I brought you into a bountiful country, to eat its fruits and its goodness. But when you entered, you defiled My land and made My heritage an abomination. So often I get the mindset that the bible is filled with examples that are meant to not be repeated like this verse. But we are repeating this exact example. We live in a country with Freedoms (religion, speech,etc.) and yet we hide our God because we are afraid of what man will think of us . I am guilty of this and i know it and it completely disgusts me.

Tick-Tock, Left ,Right, Inhale ,Exhale

As I take a step back and look at my life I realize how much I fall into routine and just ride waves out until there is no movement left. My thoughts wander constantly and never cease to keep my mind spinning with future ideas. Where will I be in five years? This question has been on my mind recently. My answer, "I have no clue". I hate the fact that I have no clue what I will be doing in the future. I am the ttype of person that likes to be in control and know how things are going to turn out. I turn to God to give me direction but my flesh tries so hard to tear me down. Many thoughts that have ran through my head today: Army, Flying, Run quit your job and start over, France, Missionary work, Join a Convent, Become a civilized nomad, create an invention and live off the money, take up fiddling again, go to the gym, write a book, say "I love you" and mean it, write a letter to friends. So many thoughts and yet I did nothing to change my life for the better. On a brighter side I am sitting at Starbucks with a dear friend, who i will travel with someday I hope! As I go on this self evaluation test of who I am the end result will be God,happiness, success, down hills followed by up hills, friendships,relationships, and life lessons. I dont want to be content with life I want to keep things up in the air ,always new and always changing.

Drip...drip....drip..

Drip drip, ting, bang, smack, pop,boom screech, laugh , vroom, phew,ding, bee boo, bing, kerplunk.......Now I dont know if i have spelt these correct. Those are a few of the sounds from my day today. I know that God is truly amazing he has blessed me to take care of some amazing kids the past few days. I am gettting to know The Camp kids. A few words to describe them stron, hungry for God's word , obedient, funny, energetic, and extremly happy. Thoses are just a few words to describe these four kids. I got to be apart of their fun day today and had a blast from the bicycle relays to sponge tosses we all had a blast. Last night though I was able to be apart of their family worship and it truly touched my heart to be apart of it. The kids prayers were so sincere and thoughtful and sweet. Their hunger for the Word brings so much joy to my heart. I am excited to see what the future holds for the Camp kids and me.

So back to the noises ........ Today was exciting from my sweet sleep last night because I decided to go to Wal-Mart at 11 o'clock at night and by a personal fan for my bed stand. The air and hum of the fan lulled me to sleep and put me in such a deep slumber. It was magnificent:) ..........I started my day today at 7:45 after my alarm went off about 7 times i finally got annoyed by the awful buzz coming out of my cellphones speakers...... I Got to the Camp's at about 9 o clock and got to spend the first half of the day with all the kids playing games. I had so much fun! after that I ran to The Express and helped April out and took care of the customers there and did a few small jobs. As I left The Express, I stopped and thought " Caroline you complain way to much and need to be thankful for that to which God has given you." .....Man, God is always right! Today has bewen a humbling experience I got to juggle three jobs and am still up thanking God for what he has provided for me. .... So 4:30 came around and I drove on to Bocelli. As I walked in I Saw that LeBron was in the back ( The owner) and was excited. Now you must understand Mr. "LeBron" and i have a unique relationship he has known me since I was 15 and I consider him Papa he is amazing even though me and him have a love/hate relationship....He tells me what to do and I , being the voistrous red head that i can be, tell him how I feel about his instructions. We work so well together because we are total opposites i ask him questions and he tells me the woes of this society and how the United states is falling apart because of Mr. President ...and he always says throughtout the night " You should watch Glen Beck he comes on at 4 every afternoon" ....all in all work at Bocelli tonight was pretty good I also had 2 great waitresses with me tonight :) .

Lord thankyou for what you are providing for me everyday. I deserve nothing and yet you give me everything

Dragadillo

Dragadillo- dragon and armadillo combined :)


Now where do I begin. It seems like when I am at my highest point the world is trying its hardest to bring me down. These past few weeks have been very hard on me. With school, work, and social life I feel like I never stop (although sometimes I like the fast pace scene) . Well I am still up in the air with my career I feel like God is really leading me to do missionary work but the question is where do I begin? I went on one when i was younger but I wasnt strong in my walk with Christ so I didnt do much. I feel like God is really putting this desire in my heart and I want to follow through with it. Yes I am very nervous about this but I know with Christ all things are possible. I emailed Bro.Jono last night and he really encouraged me to follow in Gods will and everything will work out.

Fill my cup

How do you express your emotions when you are filled so much with Christ that every song brings you to tears and every verse I read makes my heart skip a beat. Last night we had a reconciliation service and I though I'll go but nothing is gonna be said pointed towards me....I was sooo wrong. God has really been dealing with my heart he is pealing the many layers of my flesh back and I love it. I am falling in love with the Lord more than ever. I am not a very emotional person I dont cry or hug but lately its been the opposite. Listening to my pandora radio all the praise songs just touch so deep. This morning during my quiet time God just filled my bedroom and spoke to me through the proverbs and it was beautiful. I am not perfect and he is showing me that but he is also showing me that I must turn to him and listen and ask for help when I need it. God you are so great. My hearts desire right now is to go on a mission trip I feel like God is really pressing that towards me. I am a working progress( meaning i keep moving forward not backward) I know that the Lord is going to provide the way for me to do his work I must be patient :)

Sitting on the dock of the bay

School why do you consume my soul. It burdens me to know that I am not doing as well as I wish to but as hard as I try I can not meet the expectations I have laid down for myself. Radiology has denied me and yet I still feel so led to keep pushing ...so I will. In a years time I will apply again and see where my life will go from there. I really want to be in the radiology program I know that Lord willing and if it is in his plan for me to be apart of this then he will make it all work out...I just have to keep reminding myself that he knows how everything plays out ...what looks like a dead end to me is exactly what he wants

Stripping

haha catchy title huh ? Well since the beginning of this wonderful year I have been through a lot already I feel like God is really working on me and I am being so stubborn. I am at the point where I give up and am going to let him back in the driver seat ( I dont remember when we swapped seats) He seems to be stripping me of all the negative (but pleasurable ) things in my life from relationships, situations, to mind sets. He is constantly poking me reminding me that he is watching and listening and reading my thoughts. Bro Jono has been on fire in the pulpit and I feelk like he is preaching to me and me only. Everytime he looks at me I am like thanks God I am listening. This has been so hard on me I am ready to settle down and be in a relationship but obviously God keeps telling me No he's not right for you. My mind and heart are constantly at battle my heart says go get in a relationship but my mind says no stay in God's word. arghhhhhh I hate always fighting with my thoughts and actions. My thoughts keep getting in the way. I am excited yet scared to death to see how much God strips away but also cant wait to see what he puts in my hands and path

pondering…

As I sit here and ponder my thoughts for today I think to myself what if I had taken a different path what if the decisions I made were different....where would I be? Lost,found,married,dead,dropout. ...I know that I am on this path for a reason but still I am always pondering these things. I wish I could get one re-do.  But then the question is what one thing would I change.  If I really thought this out I'd probably have like fifty billion different things. But the one thing I'd change would be the day my dad came to the highway house and showed mom and I the x rays of his diaphragm and told us he was taking one doctors opinion and was going to have surgery. I'd tell him no get a second opinion I'd tell him to take care of himself to never miss a doctors apt ever again to focus on himself and God. I'd probably spend more time with him no matter what a certain someone said I'd probably tell her how I felt and give her a piece of my mind. So the question to yourself is if you could change one moment what would you change and what would happen afterwards because of that different decision

Drive

Well I think I will copy my friend Kate for a moment there is a song that i have listened to for so many years it pretty much defines my younger years

Incubus- “Drive”

Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
with open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there....
So if I, decide to waiver my,
chance to be one of, the hive.
Will I, choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way,
that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm, beginning to find that,
When I drive myself my light is found.

Would you choose, water over wine,
hold the wheel and drive...
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
with open arms and open eyes, yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there,
I'll be there....
So if I, decide to waiver my,
chance to be one of, the hive.
Will I, choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way,
that everyone else gets around,
But lately I'm, beginning to find that,
When I drive myself my light is found.
Chorus
Would you choose, water over wine,
hold the wheel and drive...
Blink and you miss a beat
Keep one of your eyes open at all times.
Think that you're on the brink?
The shit hasn't even begun to hit the fan.
Consequence you'll see will be stranger
than a gang of drunken mimes.
Situation has a stink.
Better clear the air before
your son becomes a man.
Blink, everything's been augmented,
you've been left so far behind.
I think, for sure, next time
you should wear a pair of eyes
in the back or your head.
Consequence you've seen
has been stranger than si-fi of any kind.
Situation baffles me,
I guess it's true, you too
are one of the walking dead.
You better think fast!
Cause you never know
what's coming around the bend.
You better not blink!
For consequence is a bigger
word than you think.
It's bigger than you or me

 

So often i want the world to take control of my and me be a co pilot and I just point the finger and blame it on the world. But i am an adult now i am in control

Lost in thought

Well this week is going to be pretty easy going i have a few things going on but otherwise I'm just going to try to relax because i start school in a few weeks. As i have spent the past few days in though i am constantly reminded how much i am missing something in my life …not sure exactly what i know my weak points but not sure what is missing . My walk with Christ is not where it needs to be and it grieves my heart that I have let is slip to this level. I will be going in a few weeks on a ski trip and will be spending it with my college/career and our youth group i am pretty excited. I need this trip for a renewal. I miss my close walk with God and I know it is going to take me setting aside all things and leaning only on him, Bro Jono was talking about witchcraft last night and how rebellion is a side step of witchcraft the more i think about it i am starting to agree because the more i disobey God and myself the more I am filling myself with the world and all the things around me ..Britney Spears has a song and i know one of the lyrics “living in sin is the new trend” trena and I were talking about it and we both agreed that it is a true statement this world is going to hell in a hand basket we live for now not for the long run. I am not perfect my conscience beats me up a lot because i know to do the right thing its just sometimes, in the words of bro jono, i like to take the easy way out of a situation. I am still working on ME i feel like it is going to be a never ending job/ battle but I'm here to take on the world and not lose myself

2010 really?

wow well i have already started this year off amazing! Last night I spent the night at Laura's with Kate she came down from Chicago and WE spent the night watching movies making brownies and cathcing up like little school girls! I have missed my Kate very much and wish she would move back to TN. This year is going to be an interesting one I am about to begin my application and interview process for the Radiology program and am super excited, but also scared to death. This semester at college is going to be jammed pack with fun and studying :) I am trying to figure out what my new years resolutions are going to be.... usually i spend weeks writing and pondering what they are going to be well not this year... O f course i want to be healthier and slimmer ( thats a given of course!) but this year i want to work on POSITIVE THINKING..... My mind gets the best of me sometimes and it really can tear a person down after awhile! I cant promise I am going to be perfect but I am gonna try harder :) This year i want to put more focus on God sometimes I let him slip to the back burner in my life and thats not how things are suppose to be. I would like to travel a little more this year but at the same time save money to go on a big get away trip. I am in the process of filling out my passport application that way if i need to get away legally i can :) This year will be filled with surprises, new adventures, and maybe a little repetition. This year i also would like to become an avid blogger. Blogging is mental and spiritual therapy!! well here we go 2010 let the fun and misery begin!!!!!!!